it isn't fair

I've done no wrong. I don't deserve these bouts of depressed nights; They kill me. She's the only person I want to talk to at the end of the day so when she says, "can I call you" I become excited and happy.

She calls me and she's obviously upset. I ask her what's wrong, and she lies and says nothing. Now, it's not a big deal to me but I do remember back when we first began dating I asked her if she would ever lie to me. She naively said to me, "I could never lie to you," and I naively believed her. Now, those aren't the exact words she used and I can't remember what they were for that circumstance was about 9 months ago. Yet I still ask her what's wrong and she still lies to me. To be completely honest, I don't really care because she gets over it, so it's not a huge deal to me.

Last night she called me and she was upset. It's been this way recently. She's upset because there's something that's been on her mind the past few days. She wants to tell me, but she can't; she won't. So she lets it eat away at her. Though, I don't think what's been eating at her has only been in her mind for a few days. It's taken its time to ferment in her thoughts, and it's caused her distress and worry. This distress is what's making her push me away.

Last night she called me and she wasn't Casey anymore. I was talking to her, and the whole time I was thinking, "what happened to the girl I fell in love with?" I mean, there were still some traces of her left: she would laugh at some of my jokes, she was still bitching about other people's ignorance and how comical it was, etc. However, the greater part of her has been consumed by this thing that she won't talk about.

I realized that in these past 9 months I have been happy, beautiful, content, sad, angry, and worried. in that order. Nothing seems to get better long term. There's always something that makes things worse. Why?

Today marks the seventh official month of our relationship but the ninth of us being a couple. She can still make me happy, and she still gives me support, but it's not the same. She's not the same. Realistically, the thoughts she's been having are because I've come into her life and rocked her foundation. She's changed because of me, but she's reverting back to the person I didn't want her to be.

For 3 months I've seen it coming. Deteriorating more and more with each passing day. It seems that every time I look, it's gotten closer and closer to me. I've realized that it will happen sooner or later.

It isn't fair that I'm constantly in this mess.

My patience is running on empty.

You're the only person that will read this.